deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
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just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best