suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
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I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
Me buying fruit and veg
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
Livid.
How much for the goth pool noodles?
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off