Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
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*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
I was bored.
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat