My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
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“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him