*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
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me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.