I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
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gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people