Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
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Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite