Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
You Might Also Like
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
I will never stop laughing at this
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What