Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
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[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”