I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
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im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
Finally a use for spoilers…
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
Worlds greatest photobomb
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.