I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
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[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
Green is just blue that someone peed in
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.