her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
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What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once