You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
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How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
the prophecy has been fulfilled
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.