Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
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WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
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ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
My background check bounced.
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.