If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
You Might Also Like
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
Generation gap…
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
How to properly lift a body
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit