an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
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Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
Perfect
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose