me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
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The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
Called it
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will