I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
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Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.