me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
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Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
we shouldn’t call bad opinions “hot takes.” people like to be hot. they should be called something disgusting. tell people they “took a glumpy one”
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.