Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
You Might Also Like
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube