I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
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My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.