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“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.