If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
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Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.