My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
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This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
checking out some reviews of my local library
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
U talkin 2 me?
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.