Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
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Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
My dad.
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
Planet of the Apps.
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat