I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
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This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…