Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
You Might Also Like
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.