If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
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Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
what’s really going on
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.