Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
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I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
Sign at work today
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.