Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
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Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.