{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
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Love this one 😂🧟
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
same vibe as tangled headphones
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers