me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
You Might Also Like
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
Adultry does not sound fun at all
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
Liquor Store Parking
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine