me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
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me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.