Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
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You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
Want to talk trash? Recycle.