Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
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“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
u guys got any snacks onboard here
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”