“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
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If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
A great tip. #CakeRex
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread