Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
You Might Also Like
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.