Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
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Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur