It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
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Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don鈥檛 need to have any.
War & Peace
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i鈥檝e ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
Lmaooo she has seen it all馃槶馃槶馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where鈥檚 my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum