I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
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[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.