If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
You Might Also Like
Thursday Thought.
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
I told my vodka about you.
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy