Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
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How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
can’t wait til they legalize outside
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”