Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
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I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
started wrapping my pills in cheese
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite