Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
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british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
decorating my apartment
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
If you want my opinion ask my wife
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.