me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
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wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*