Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
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pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
me after eating Cheetos
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]