pep talk
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Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
I feel it
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”