Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
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[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.