When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
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guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
Thursday
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
why am I working on Labor Day
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.