I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
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I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
can’t talk my ride’s here
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings